Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
