By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
