Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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