Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
