did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
