The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
