its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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