giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Of course I have a pirate flag
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
