There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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