dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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