thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
