Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
