Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
NoShamevember. You game?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
