I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
