I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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