Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I could make wine with my vomit
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
