Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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