So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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