when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
