A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
