He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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