You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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