Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
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