i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
NoShamevember. You game?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
