he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
