my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
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