everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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