Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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