I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
