oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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