why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
