Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
