There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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