I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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