I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
