Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
