if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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