Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
