Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
So here I am, sexting at work.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
