Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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