I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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