Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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