my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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