i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
