Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
