don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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