Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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