you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
