guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
