I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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